Urinary Pisspositions: Why are we missing the mark?

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You are driving on a long interstate trip and you suddenly get all twisted because of the pressure in the stomach.  You need to go!  Meanwhile your wife has had a lot of coke and needs to relieve herself as well.  Exit after exit you are looking for a decent restaurant / place to accomplish both the objectives.  Why evaluate the options so much, when every exit would have a gas station?

The drops of the inconsiderate or the unsure on the toilet seats.  Drops is an understatement, though.

Relieving one’s self in a 4″ circle is an art not many have perfected.  And this is common to both men and women, latter in the public toilets.   Lets first take the men.

Data from simulation by Jeff Sergeant (Reddit)
Data from simulation by Jeff Sergeant (Reddit / Vox)

One may find it surprising but a lot of divorces are due to the inflexibility on part of men that women gauge from the man’s inability to put the toilet seat in the right position.  There are studies and debate on where the toilet seat should be left at after the deed is done.  While at it, it should definitely be UP!

In one of the studies – not very scientific one may surmise, but intuitively reasonable nevertheless given the disputes and divorces – it has been found that Men and Women have completely opposite philosophies when it comes to where the seat should be after the act is done.

Why would there be opposite view points on the position of the seats from the genders?  I would venture to guess that Men may assume that they would do a woman some good by leaving the seat in a position where she doesn’t have to do much.  Whereas women, knowing men for what they are – hurried leakers gifted with a general sprinkler as opposed to a sharp nozzle to target it just right – want to keep exactly where it should be for such a sprinkler!

Many have made careers out of wondering why men miss it?   Some of the interesting reasons for such an eventuality cited have been:

“Dribble factor”: for the uninitiated into the male world of peeing, its the last remnants of the goods gone by as the force to deposit the leftovers to their destination has been dissipated.

Disconnect between a willing mind but an uncooperative tool at hand:  By the time guys reach early teenage, they fancy themselves as experts in maneuvering their shots.  They have tried and tested all the trajectories, distances, and shapes of the shot.  But, biology has its own ways of doing things.  What the mind may want, hand and the one in the hand may not bother to acquiesce with.  That’s when things go haywire.  Literally!!

Distance Contest: The adventurous spirit of teenage continues and when nothing seems to work or not enough adventure has happened in a man’s life, a leak break is a great way to let it loose.  So, one challenges one’s ability to target from far.  Objective is a three-pointer Michael Jordan way, but the adventurous dude forgets that he isn’t dealing with one payload to deposit in the basket.. but several with the same accuracy!  Soon the force and trajectory vs distance teach him a useful lesson in physics that Newton failed to drive home!

Alertness of the canon: Man’s delivery vehicle isn’t a one size and shape thingy for the entire time.  Depending on his level of excitement in life, alertness of the canon can either result in under-shooting or over-shooting of the payload.

Needless to say, men have it tough in this department.  The severity of the issue has caused a Global campaign against the last bastion of Male-hood – Peeing while standing.  In country after country, men are being forced to take a seat.  Literally!  Now, they must sit and make it happen.

The saving grace has come from the “Fatherland” Germany!  Where a judge in the German city of Duesseldorf has boldly ruled in favor of a man who was sued by his landlord because he used to pee standing up and has therefore ended up defacing the marble floor from.. well.. uric acid!

“Someone who still practices this previously dominant custom is regularly confronted with significant disputes, particularly with female cohabitants,”Judge Stefan Hank observed, according to AFP. “However normally he must not reckon with damage to the marble floor of a bathroom or guest toilet.”

“Despite the increasing domestication of men in this area, urinating while standing up is indeed still common practice,” Hank added.

I hope we have noticed the back-slapping judgment delivered by one sarcastic man to another.  “Previously dominant custom” suggests that world has changed.  Sitting is the new normal.  And men are being increasingly domesticated in their toilets!  How far can they go with their wild streak?  They quite obviously need to do away with all the adventure that they have been upto in the quiet solitude of the toilet.  Now women armed with law on their side have entered a man’s hitherto secure confines!

Now that men are domesticated and standing a losing custom, now the feminists have gone a step further.  Law Against Urinary Segregation.  Yes, that’s right!  Why have Public restrooms as “sex-segregated spaces” anymore?  The University of Chicago law professor Mary Anne Case says:

“Urinals lead restrooms equal in square footage to offer more excreting opportunities to men than to women,” she explained, causing longer lines for women’s bathrooms and other inequities. “When such features as fainting couches, full length mirrors, and vanities are added—as they sometimes are—to women’s but not to men’s rooms, the ratio of excreting opportunities given equal square footage gets even worse for women.”

But those who think that spraying on the seat perimeter and even puddling outside is a strictly male preserve would be badly mistaken!   The very reason why your wife may dread the public restrooms would also be the same as yours!  Puddles and sprays.  And for women of “Clean Urinary Disposition”, things get worse!  Because women, dreading the germs on the public toilet seats have devised the famous “Squat” – the art of urinating by hovering over the rim!   If men are shooting sprinklers, women with their specialized apparatus are .. well… unleashing a waterfall.  And the aim is as good as a Victoria Falls may be while targeting a rock at the bottom!  The pain of women in public restrooms is multiplied manifold.

Do I see men standing on the side and smiling at the strike of the Cosmic Karma?!  What goes around, comes around.  You curse a sprinkler, and you will be cursed with a waterfall!  Go figure!

While men are being domesticated and made to sit and do their deed, the fearless women are now exploring the bold world of doing it standing!  Standing women!  Here is a step by step guide from Wikihow on how a woman can “Urinate Standing up”.  Does this count as a reason for divorce anyone??!!  Just asking.  But on a serious note, the emergence of tools like “Shewee” and others in the same genre have helped women take to traveling without the fear of how to relieve themselves when they cannot find a proper urinal.  You can see how easy it is to use and how effective it is in this Youtube video.

One wonders where this will take the Western and Global civilization of today.  Will women be the last ones standing when the water meets the road?

Image Source (Manneke Pis): Flickr

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